breathless

to get to this point today

i needed

cannabis
good cannabis
rolled into a long thin joint
made with a king size Rizla +
upsold to me by a 16 year old girl
in the Ellecker General Store
when buying.....

"a packet of drum and some papers please....... the blue one..... just above your hand..... no the dark blue one, yes that's it....the 30g please"

"ummm ok why not I'll take some..... hang on, best give me some tally ho's as well... just in case"

but she will soon learn that

people who buy tobacco do not often buy king size papers
and people who buy king size papers do not often buy tobacco

and maybe one day understand that

the last line of text on the inside cover of the Rizla+ papers
is written especially for an certain type of english speaker
who will stumble through a seven line paragraph written in German
before deciding Frankfurt sounds like a place to visit some day...

RIZLA - DAS ERSTE UND IMMER NOCH BESTE ZIGARETTENPAPIER
AND AS WE SAY IN FRANKFURT, "ROLL WITH IT"

and roll with i did

but today i also needed

a cold can of coke

and

3 small white 5mg dexamphetimine tablets

once, twice, three times
i am saving the bottles to make
a lifesize sculpture of myself one day
driving a tank or flying a plane
like a WW2 serviceman addict

stand sentinel men

and coffee
always coffee
three as before

and cigarettes

too many cigarettes
rolled loosely without filters
so as to squint smoke
and sweep tobacco from my lips
like Jean-Paul Belmondo in Breathless



and now that I am at this point in the day

I will lie down on the floor

and pretend i am pulling faces at you while I lay dying

when the bluebird of happiness telephone company comes calling

phone ringing again, half an hour after closing

buzzzzzzz ..........clunk

"Hello?" buzzzzzz clunk " hell, hello? HELLO! Excuse me, I believe I am talking to the business owner of this business"

" Yes................? "

Normally I am not, the business owner that is, when they call, but I was struck with a sudden epiphany that maybe my tactic of " Sorry he has just left for the day " was only keeping me on the call back list. Normally it's a surefire way of cutting the call short without resorting to the Colonial rudeness of swearing at or hanging up on a Indian call centre worker. Most of the time they will hang up on, "left for the"clunk buzzzzzz. The other tactic involves putting the phone down after saying yes and letting them go until they realise that you're not there any more " hello?..... hello? ......hello sir?....... sir?........" clunk buzzzzzzzzz, or " I'll just get him for you.", put down phone and make a tea. The downside to this is your phone is tied up and just what if someone interesting calls and can't get through. The absent descision maker excuse had become the most time effective solution to the relentless optimism of India calling. The legitimate reason, that all my communications are bundled and contracted with our own headless hydra, just took too long to explain and involved at least two or three more qualifying questions from the caller, especially when they were new or their english dictated reading from a script. So today I was available.

"Yes, Yes it is"

" How are you today, Sir in...(check screen, hesitate) Aulbeny"

" Good and yourself?"

" Yes, very good Sir, very good Sir, thankyou for asking. Sir the purpose of my call is to tell you that you have been pre..."

" Hey look before you start, I get at least 20 calls a week selling telephone services and I am not interested in them"..... " I am not going to buy anything from you today , do you understand?"

" You are not going to buy anything?" (slightly disappointed tone)

" No I am not going to buy anything, you understand that, yes?"

I am guessing that the person on the other end was around my age and most likely university educated.

"Yes Sir."

" Listen can you do me a favour? Can you please tell me how I can be taken off your call list, because I don't want to have to be rude to the people that call me, but 20 calls a week is just too much and it is wasting everyone's time."

" Yes Sir, I can do that for you, Sir I will put you on the Do Not Call list, Sir. "



"Sorry?"

" I can put you on the do not call list, Sir "


"Really, you have a Do Not Call list and You can do that?"

" Yes Sir."

"Hey, thankyou very much, I appreciate that."

" You are welcome Sir. From today you will not receive any more calls from us."

"Hey, can you tell me something, just out of interest, where are you? "

A hesitating shy laugh echoed down the line which said I am not supposed to but...

"Calcutta Sir"

"Calcutta! Oh well you have a good day in Calcutta, Thanks for your help. "

Ok, so that's one of an estimated 1.3 million Indian call center workers done.........






"